Guys, I’m so excited! One, I’m feeling a lot better. I managed to get a full night’s sleep last night, and woke up feeling a heck of a lot more like myself. I also found out last night that my dad had something almost identical to this a few weeks ago — sweats and chills, body aches, etc — and that his was about a 24 hour bug as well. So hopefully this being sick nonsense is over!
I’m also excited because I had an epiphany today. I’ve found that I really, really love belts. A few months ago I discovered that I love scarves, and now it’s belts. This all might sound a bit shallow and flippant, but it’s a huge deal for me. I’ve always been the type of girl who only wore jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. I realize now that that’s because I was really uncomfortable with my body; I was trying to hide behind layers of fabric. Well, I’m still uncomfortable with my body. I’d love to lose about 40 lbs, and I’m trying. I want to be thin and feel healthy, but I’m definitely not there yet. Because of all this, I’ve remained that jeans and t-shirt girl over the years, who always tries to hide her body. But over the past few months, I’ve found little things that have made me feel a lot better, and a lot more beautiful. A scarf here, a belt there — it’s helping me reshape my thinking about myself and develop a more positive attitude and outlook.
I still look in the mirror and typically hate what I see, but, with the right clothes, I’m slowly starting to change that reaction. I think I’ll always look at myself and find flaws and zero in on the fat that I want to get rid of and think of the stretch marks under my shirt and wish they weren’t there, but I’m starting to focus less on what’s underneath the clothes and more on my body and how I look as a whole. I went out today and bought another belt, a brown one this time (so I’m not up to a black one, a brown one, and a turquoise one!), and then came back and tried some different outfits on. Oh my gosh! A simple belt has transformed my clothes! I had shirts that I thought were too baggy, and made me look shapeless or boxy — not any more! I had things that were too plain — no longer! I tried on outfit after outfit, and felt better and better. I think it’s because I’m beginning to like my body’s curvier shape. I’ll never be one of those waif -ish girls, and I don’t want to be. I want to be fit and healthy, but I want to keep my curves. I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror.
I’m just feeling so much better about pretty much everything today. I wish I had discovered some of these things sooner — I might have been happier my freshman and sophomore years — but I’m glad I’m finding them out at all. I kind of feel like I’ve been on What Not to Wear, but without Stacey and Clinton guiding me; I’m proud that I’m managing to get it together on my own. Who knows? Maybe I’ll finally be able to pull off finding a boyfriend. But for now, I’ll keep working on making myself feel better, as well as working towards losing that weight. If I can get my fibro and flare-ups under control, maybe it’ll even be possible!